These Letters That We Send
by Caelitea
Summary: She writes love letters that she brings into the battlefield, which then burn to a crisp as she watches the ashes fly away in the wind with a smile on her face. —Female Protagonist/Soma


**Author's Notes: **CAN I JUST SAY THIS WAS REALLY HARD FOR ME TO WRITE? It's been a while since I've written anything complete, not to mention Soma's character is really difficult for me to get down. And then I wanted to try out writing a character with some of Soma's qualities to match him which just made it doubly hard, then I decided to make the female protagonist mute because I thought it would be interesting to try out that portrayal, and then there was just a lot to work with…though at the same time, it was fun since it's been a while since I've been able to type out a complete fic. I can't quite imagine Soma doing anything especially romantic though, so this kind of turned out to be more character analysis and a subtle kind of romance more based on inner emotions/mutual understanding rather than affectionate gestures…I guess...I don't even know anymore writing romance is hard hurrrrgh /rolls away

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**(These Letters That We Send)**

_I was fine, just a guy living on my own,  
Waiting for the sky to fall,  
Then you called and changed it all, doll.  
Velvet lips and the eyes to pull me in,  
We both know you'd already win,  
You're original sin…_

—Sarah Smiles, Panic! At the Disco

_._

.

.

They find her quiet for a new recruit, who are usually chattering nonstop from the nerves before they go in for their medical checkup because everything is so new. She's pretty, with her bright green eyes that are striking against her gold hair and lightly bronzed skin, but these days beauty often brought tragedy and no one could predict what kind she had gone through or would go through in the future.

The Den finds out one of her old tragedies quickly enough. When everyone is gathered to meet the first New-Type Gods Eater, she is carrying a notebook in her hands and a black marker. She's wearing a dark green turtleneck sweater and a cream-and-black polkadotted skirt, complete with sturdy leather lace-up boots, standing up straight and proper next to Tsubaki. She looks like a trained lady rather than a Gods Eater, but the bulky red bracelet on her wrist doesn't lie.

"I'm sure you all know why you're gathered here today," The older woman says, "This is Lena Shiroi, the first New-Type Gods Eater that we've found compatible. We are lucky to have her as a comrade."

She turns to the new recruit, who smiles and bobs her head a little in greeting.

"Now, I'll cut straight to the point and say this: our new comrade is mute. She has agreed to let me share information from her file in order to avoid constant questioning. Three years ago, she was attacked by a Vajra and her throat was severely damaged."

Here, Lena pulls down the collar of her sweater to reveal a wide scar across her throat. She smiles at the scattered expressions of surprise at the violent mark against her otherwise unblemished appearance before letting the fabric fall back into place as Tsubaki continues.

"She spent the next year and a half in intensive care, and while her throat is fine in the aspect that it performs its necessary functions, her vocal cords are still damaged. There may be a chance that she will recover her voice in the future, but for now, she will be communicating through writing and sign language."

Lena holds up her notebook. _I look forward to working with you._

Tsubaki smiles, as do most of the other Gods Eaters. They chorus their welcomes. Across the room, Tsubaki meets the eyes of Lindow, Sakuya, and Soma. Lindow breathes out a plume of smoke, cigarette in his hand, and grins, assuring his sister that things will be fine but that he'll take care of things if need to be. Sakuya smiles as well, offering her support.

Soma turns away. He's not sure if it was cruel or merciful or of the gods to spare the girl after the attack, leaving her with her throat ripped out. She seems too delicate to be a Gods Eater—and he doesn't like delicateness. He frowns, walking away from the meeting. On impulse, he turns back for once last glance before the door closes. She meets his eyes and smiles before it does.

He scowls.

.

Her choice of weapon is a longsword, which is surprising. They require a lot of arm muscle in addition to the oracle-cell enhancements to lift, as well as increased leg muscle to support the swings. With a blade in hand and dressed in a black Fenrir uniform, she looks much more official—but looking the part isn't enough, Soma thinks to himself as he watches her disappear beyond the gate, trailing behind Lindow.

But after both Lindow and Sakuya have their turns in tutoring her, they both come back singing praises. She's a quick learner and an adept fighter, though she has the typical newbie clumsiness.

Soma isn't happy when it's his turn to coach—it's even worse when Eric dies right in front of them. He's never been close with Eric and frankly, he hardly cares about the kid, but _damn_ there goes another one of them. The new girl has fresh bloodstains on her uniform, staring blankly at the mangled corpse.

"What kind of place did you think this was going to be?" Soma growls at her. Before this, she probably _was_ a trained lady, and despite Lindow and Sakuya's praises if she couldn't handle something like this she wasn't cut out to be a Gods Eater.

Naturally, Lena doesn't say anything, but he's surprised when she bends down beside the body. A chunk of Eric's torso is missing, and his eyes are still open with horror etched into them. Grimacing, the green-eyed rookie takes a hand and gently brushes his eyes closed, blood staining her hand. Eric looks peaceful, kind of. She clasps her hands together in prayer, closing her eyes briefly.

She gets up and wipes the blood off on her clothes. She scribbles a quick answer to Soma's question on the little notepad she keeps with her. _Nothing less,_ she writes. Lena puts away the notepad after she's sure he's seen it; she takes out a cream-colored envelope and tosses it in the air, shooting a blaze bullet through it and hitting an ogretail roaming around the corner.

It's too late to question what the hell she was doing as they engage in battle; the envelope burns and disappears from his mind. He doesn't bother asking her about it later, but there are others who have seen her do the same thing.

Lindow is the person to finally ask a few days later, doing so as she finishes writing something that is presumably a letter that goes into the envelopes. "So, are you ever going to tell us what those papers you bring to missions are?" he says, a grin on his face. "We're all dying to know."

Lena laughs, a soundless gesture that lights up her face, aware of all the other Gods Eaters waiting for her reply behind her leader. It could be anything; pictures, notes, reminders, but it's the easiest to assume letters, though they aren't quite prepared for the type of letter she gives.

_They're love letters, _she writes, tapping the papers she'd been writing on earlier.

"Really? To who?" Lindow says, eyes wide with surprise.

Lena hesitates before she responds. _To people who don't exist. _

There is a thick silence that pervades the room; she gathered her papers and heads towards the door, leaving them to sort out her words but smiling as she does to let them know that she's not angered or displeased by the question.

Soma watches as she tucks folded pieces of paper into an envelope along the way; she stares at the cream-colored rectangle and her expression darkens before she looks up and meets his eyes. She smiles a sardonic smile—a smile that surprises him because Lena Shiroi is always sunshine and daisies—before the door closes.

It's the smile that makes Soma know that she lied.

.

They think of her as a beautiful tragedy. She writes love letters that she brings into the battlefield, which then burn to a crisp as she watches the ashes fly away in the wind with a smile on her face. They think she's like a fairy with torn wings, delicate but still struggling for survival.

Soma knows better.

He knows that thought went into choosing a heavy long blade, he's aware of her less-than-sunshine expressions, and he's watched her compose herself after gruesome deaths. He's seen her grit her teeth and continue when ogretails have bitten her arm; he's watched her wipe of the blackish Aragami blood off without a second thought from her face after her slash sends a spray of it into her face. So maybe she's beautiful and of course she's had tragedy like the rest of them, but she's not some tragic _fairy_, not when she's so accustomed to the destruction and monstrosity around her.

He thinks she finds the image they give her amusing.

As he is sitting in the hall by the vending machine, she walks by, sliding change into the machine. They are alone, and Soma decides to ask, though he's not sure why he does.

"Why'd you lie?"

Lena turns to him and smiles, popping open the can with a snap that is loud in the quiet hallway. She takes a seat on the bench next to him, giving him the drink to hold as she writes.

_I didn't. It just wasn't the whole truth._

He's not sure what he thinks about the girl who burns carefully penned love letters on the battlefield.

Lena plucks her drink from his hand, taking a sip. There is a silence as she doodles on her paper.

"They're not always love letters, are they," Soma says, turning the question into a statement, glancing at her. He feels like it should be obvious now, but he says it because it doesn't look like she'll say any more.

She smiles.

_I'm surprised you're asking. I thought you disliked me._

"I do," he tells her, without elaborating the reason as to why. She doesn't look offended, merely amused. "I'm only asking because it doesn't make sense."

_Does it need to?_

Soma pauses, then gives a halfhearted shrug. She smiles again.

_You might find out, one day. You're the first person who's noticed something wrong. But you won't be the first person to find out why, not today._

He gives something that is half a snort and half a chuckle and she leaves him with the can of her barely-touched drink.

.

She becomes a deeply integrated part of his life when Lindow dies—or goes MIA, but they all _know_ even though they hope and want to believe.

When the search is called off, the entire Den freezes because it slams the lid of the coffin shut. Sakuya doesn't handle the news well—none of them really do, though some of them are adept at keeping their faces composed. Tsubaki is bombarded by the less composed ones; Sakuya leaves the room to calm herself down, as do others. The commotion is loud and Soma scowls, displeased by the ugly bickering over Lindow's death when it is something that should be respected, at least.

Soon though, without any visible prompting, the noise begins to die down. Soma is confused at first, until he sees Lena. She is standing up straight in vigilance, her hands clasped in prayer. Her eyes are closed, and there is a long moment of silence as many others follow her example.

When she opens her eyes, her expression is hard and cold. This time, Soma is not the only one who sees it—the others are surprised at this uncharacteristic show as she walks out of the room with a soldier's gait. Soma knows better.

When she comes out for a mission (because Gods Eaters cannot afford lengthy breaks, regardless of the reason) her face is smooth and kind and normal, but she gives off a sort of chill that warns others against idle chatter. The Den has never seen her like this before.

That day, she fights with vicious vigor. People call Soma the God of Death behind his back, but today it seems as though she has stolen that title and dragged it through Hell and back. When the battle ends and she is covered in blood, she looks up at the stormy sky of the Wailing Plains and Kota, Sakuya, and Soma, similarly splattered with blood, look at her and think that she looks like a warrior that has fought too many exhausting battles, on multiple levels.

When Sakuya gently prompts that they return, Lena nods, but when the medic and scout turn away, she lingers for a bit longer, letting the rain wash the blood from her skin. She closes her eyes briefly, and only Soma notices that she is shedding tears underneath the guise of rain.

He pulls his hood down, covering his eyes, and turns away.

Not many days later, Lena Shiroi is appointed the new leader of the First Unit. There is surprise because she is the Den's newest member—people suspected Soma, despite his reputation, or even Sakuya because she had always trained rookies alongside Lindow. But Lena smiles, a somewhat grim expression that is her sign of determination, and nods. Licca mentions that she knew this would happen because the scratches on the girl's God Arc were similar to Lindow's—and only one thought goes around: _please don't die._

So she becomes integrated into Soma's life as his leader. The letters that she burns on the battlefield continue, and many simply attribute it to a strange habit of hers and tie to some romantic assumption. But because he now sees more of her, Soma begins to pinpoint exactly what it is about the girl that he dislikes. She had said that her words about the love letters weren't a lie—but there is something about the girl herself that seems like a lie, and he's still not sure what exactly that is.

He watches the orange edges of her burning letters devour the contents, reminiscent of an Aragami, and watches her blank expression as she observes the ashes carry away in the wind.

He frowns.

.

It is two weeks later when all the puzzle pieces fall into place.

It begins with her body crashing into his in the middle of one of their missions, throwing him back. She struggles to get up when under normal circumstances she should have easily recovered from the impact. Soma grabs her arm, pulling her back against him, as he barks orders to Alisa and Kota.

"We're retreating! Back us up!"

He feels Lena shaking her head, lurching forward and dragging her God Arc behind her, but Alisa and Kota understand the urgency in Soma's voice and follow his words instead.

"You're in no shape to be battling," Soma growls when she glares at him, "You're our leader—what are we supposed to do if you die?!"

The expression that she gives him unsettles him, though he's not sure how to interpret it at this moment.

A pillar of ice flies towards them and despite his words she stands and holds up her shield, crashing into him again as she falls back from the impact. This time, she drops into his arms, limp and unconscious. He snarls at her even though she can't hear him, hefting her over his shoulder. He notices a slightly muddy white rectangle on the ground—one of her letters that she didn't have time to burn—and shoves it into his pocket to return to her later.

They give her into the care of the doctor, and when they are reassured that she's not in any critical condition, they split to their respective rooms. Before Soma leaves though, the doctor holds him for a few extra seconds.

"Wait a minute. Have you seen her take any missions on by herself?" he asks, and the buster-blade wielder shakes his head after a moment of thought. "Watch out for her, because she's obviously been taking on a lot. She's fine, but she's been overworking herself and that's why she's here now."

Soma's expression tightens and he nods again, leaving the room without another word.

Later, he finds her dropped letter in his pocket. He places it on his desk and takes a shower. Afterwards, he sits and stares at it. He knows that it's none of his business. He knows that this is an invasion of privacy. He knows.

But at this point, he needs to know something more pressing—and so he opens it.

_Dear gods, _it begins, _it's been exactly one year and two months since you devoured my brother, three months since you killed Eric der Vogelweid, and two weeks and four hours since you murdered Lindow Amamiya. Don't you dare think that I've forgotten; don't you are think that my memory has dwindled. Don't you dare think my hatred for you has faded—it's only grown worse. The hands that itched for revenge in the beginning now burn for it. If I could I'd tear apart each and every cell that composes your bodies and watch as you plummet back into nothingness—but for now, I have to settle for tearing you apart with weapons composed of your own kind. _

Soma pauses, understanding her dark expressions now. She said as much that she did write those so-called love letters (that is, using the term loosely as she had probably intended; they were most likely familial ones to her brother, and not actual romantic ones to a lost lover) —in addition to these…_ other _letters to the gods. He's not sure what to call these; they go beyond hate and distaste; perhaps they can be called love letters in a twisted sense. They are vows.

_And I swear that when I go down and join my brother in death, I will bring as many of you down with me. If I go to Hell for the curses that I swear against you then so be it—but your monstrous souls will be there with me and I will return the sin that you have ravaged this planet with for eternity. _

There is something about the line that bothers him. There is something about the letter overall that bothers him, and it takes a while before he finally pinpoints it. His eyes widen with his realization, and then he scowls, throwing the papers across the table.

This girl, Lena Shiroi, has no attachment to life. This is what he's disliked about her—because she has all these qualities that draw people toward her, and when she dies and has no remorse, the hole that she leaves behind will be all the more prominent. She's careless with her life because inside, the only thing that she longs for is to destroy the Aragami.

In a fit of silent anger, he goes back to the sick bay—only to stumble in on her awake and in the midst changing. But there is something chilling about the situation rather than awkward, because he takes notice of all the deep scars that litter her body. It's not just the deep scar on her neck, she has purple bruises and both old and new gashes. It only makes him angrier because she has too many and she could avoid at least half of those but she doesn't.

Lena stares at him with a blank expression and gives him a questioning blink. He holds up the letter, and her lips twitch into a half of a sardonic smile. She pulls on a jacket and buttons it up before she grabs her notepad and writes.

_That's not polite, you know, looking at other people's love letters like that._

"You don't love anyone," Soma snarls, not in the mood for her sarcasm. "That is why you have no attachment to life." He remembers the look that she gave him before she blocked the ice. _What are we supposed to do if you die?! _He'd growled. And now he knows how to interpret her expression: _find another leader, obviously. _"This goes beyond not taking care of yourself—are you just waiting to die?!"

_Of course not—I haven't killed nearly enough Aragami to serve my revenge. Just because I'm a bit reckless at times doesn't mean I'm throwing myself out as fodder._

"You're not telling the whole truth," he says coldly, using her own words from weeks ago, "Just because you don't throw yourself out there doesn't mean that you don't want to die."

She blinks at him, then laughs a soundless, mirthless laugh.

_What do you want out of me, Soma? What do you want to know? I have no attachments to life because—that exactly it, I don't have any. My parents died long ago. My brother was recruited to be a Gods Eater; he was supposed to be the first New-Type and he was devoured before he had a fighting chance. Everyone in the Den is lovely, but death in this line of work isn't so uncommon. Eventually, I'll just become a name in one of the logs. And people will move on._

This infuriates him. This infuriates him because when Lindow was sneaking around his back, he knew that he told her that one of his greatest fears was having a comrade die before his eyes. And it was true, though he would never admit it out loud. And now that he had finally let her into his tight circle, she was already beginning to slide out of it—for no apparent reason other than that she simply didn't care about herself.

"_Listen to me," _He hisses, grabbing her arm in a vice grip. She winces, but he doesn't loosen his hold. "Just because you don't care about yourself doesn't mean others don't either. You think you're the only one who's been scorned? The way you felt when your brother died, when Eric died, when Lindow died—you're telling me that you'd willingly put others in the same position as you. You draw people in and leave them to rot. You've never asked me why I hated you. Now you know."

He watches the color in her face pale a bit; it's probably the most he's ever said to her, and the most he's ever revealed about his true thoughts.

Soma drops the letter on her bed and leaves her, still furious.

.

It becomes awkward, after that. There is an apology due somewhere—though where, neither of them is sure or is willing to admit it. Their interaction is somewhat stiff, prone to irritated glances from both parties as Soma tries to keep the girl from killing herself (consciously or subconsciously).

However, when Shio comes along, there isn't quite time to fill in the cracks in their camaraderie. They are all thrown into Sakaki's carefully laid out plans—and besides, Shio herself is adorable. No one minds spending time with Shio, although Soma doesn't admit it. He's her favorite, besides.

Every now and then, he thinks back on the conversation he had with Lena in the sick bay. After all, he was in her position for a very long time—so really, his words made him a hypocrite. He wasn't quite sure when he became aware that he was willing to stay alive for the sake of others to prompt him to say that, but it was much more apparent now that he was growing closer to Shio.

He wonders, not in so many words, if perhaps he's in love with the Aragami girl. At the very least, she's the first person that he's cared for so deeply. Or is she? The fact that he'd been so angry with Lena for being so careless with herself meant _something_, because of the words that he'd said.

He ponders things as he makes his way to Shio's room, though upon arrival he finds that it's already occupied by his leader. She gives him a curt nod as the Aragami girl chirps his name happily. She's sitting on the First Unit leader's lap, who is brushing through the tangles of the other girl's hair because she never bothers to keep them in check.

Shio looks content with her, Soma notices. Not that she dislikes Sakuya or Alisa or Kota or Sakaki, there's something…familial about the way the two girls interact, like sisters. If he wasn't a monster to give that sense of camaraderie, Lena would probably be Shio's favorite instead.

"Thank you!" Shio says cheerily when Lena is finished, "You did a…good job!"

The green-eyed girl laughs, patting her on the back. _Thanks! Okay, I'm going to leave now so you can spend time with Soma, alright? _She writes. The rest of them suspect that Shio's vocabulary and speech grows so quickly because Lena teaches her to read in order to communicate.

"Why?" the porcelain-skinned girl says, tilting her head to the side curiously.

Lena blinks, moving her hand to write a reply, but then lets her hand rest on the pad, apparently at lost for words. There is something flattering in the fact that Shio wants her to stay, when she always trails after Soma. She glances at the buster blade wielder, who shrugs.

"If Shio wants you to stay, then stay," he says flatly, but not unkindly.

"Eat with us!" Shio smiles, although by now she is fully aware that the others don't eat Aragami like she does.

Lena smiles back, and taps the girl's nose. _Well lucky for you, I dispatched a Chi-You earlier. They're your favorite, aren't they?_

"Yay!" Shio cheers. "It's like…family!"

The two Gods Eaters blink at the notion, somewhat confused as to how she would know such a thing, though Kota would be the likeliest candidate to explain the concept. Soma and Lena glance at each other awkwardly, and they both look away briefly before glancing back. Soma nods and Lena nods back, and though they are aware that an apology is technically still due, they put the past behind them and decide to continue forwards.

And for now, Shio is right; for now, it's like they're a family.

(it doesn't last.)

.

The night of Shio's death, Lena lets herself into Soma's room without permission. He doesn't protest, sitting on the edge of his bed, gripping the sheets so hard that his knuckles are white. She takes a seat next to him, gently putting her hand over his.

Eventually, his grip on the sheet loosens. He looks up at her, his face somewhat haggard though no one else would probably be able to tell. She stares at him with those striking green eyes of hers and blinks. There aren't tears, not yet, or not now, because Shio saved them all and shedding tears over losing her now seems inappropriate when her deed should be respected. There would be plenty of time for grief later.

She slowly writes something on her notepad before handing it to him.

_I'm sorry._

He knows that there are a lot of things that she is apologizing for. What happened to Shio and what she did wasn't Lena's fault, but he's unable to give a simple shake of his head, so he simply accepts her condolences.

Soma doesn't realize that he's balled his hands into fists, nails digging into his palm so hard that they've drawn a little blood, until Lena puts her hand over his again. This time, he grips her fingers as if they are a lifeline.

And they sit through the night in vigilance with no conversation passing through them, only understanding.

.

The first few months after that are slow and difficult. People tiptoe around Soma for a few days—mainly those who were aware of Shio, although Lena often came to sit by his side because she was the only one who truly understood.

She writes another one of her infamous letters, and permits Soma to read it before she burns it when she catches him staring at it.

_Dear gods…it's been a while since my last letter. I think you know what's happened and what I want to say—but also, I think that some time ago, my letter reached a different god amongst the destructive ones—a benevolent one. Meeting Shio was a blessing. I never thought I could love anything that came from Aragami, no matter how humanoid it looked. But I learned to love Shio—and once upon a time, she considered me family. Me, family, when I'd vowed to kill anything related to the monsters that wrecked our planet, when I had grown so bitter over losing my parents and my brother. And then she saved us—us and our planet, ridden with sin, because she loved us. Once my mind was cleared from grief, I began to understand. I was too blinded by my own revenge and remorse to notice that I'd garnered new friends, new family members. I was too blinded by the past to see the importance of the present, the possibilities of the future. And so…I thank you, gods, for letting Shio come into our lives...my life. I still will never stop hunting Aragami until I die, whenever they may be, though now, I hope that it will be later than sooner. So to the gods who watch over us out there, thank you. And one day, when I do breathe my last, I hope that I will have the fortune of glimpsing your benign radiance. _

He blinks at her, not entirely surprised that this change came about because he had seen it progress. Before she leaves on the mission she gives him a smile tinted with sadness and apology—and something about it makes him think. He remembers Shio and he remembers how she changed his leader—so how did he change, aside from being able to truly care for a person?

Soma isn't entirely sure, or perhaps just doesn't want to admit it, but he feels as though there was a difference in the manner in which he cared for Shio compared to the manner he cared for his leader.

And as the months slowly go by, he finds himself wondering in not so many words if this time, truly, he's been captured.

.

He's only slightly surprised when she approaches him one day with one of her usual bright smiles and hands him an envelope.

"What's this for?" He says, not sure what to expect of its contents.

_It's something that I thought about for a long time…and I think you should at least know even if you don't accept. The decision is yours, and I will be fine with whatever you choose._

She leaves him with that, and he's aware of the eyes on him when she leaves the envelope in his care.

That night, he sits in front of the letter after his shower, reminiscent of the time where he'd opened one of her letters without permission. He really has no idea what to expect from the contents, because he's known that what she really writes are vows of hate towards the gods, with the exception of those to her brother…and the one she sent regarding Shio.

So when he finally opens it, the letter inside surprises him.

_(it's a love letter.)_

.

The next morning, he meets her for a mission on the Forgotten Carrier. The sky is always the same—streaked with oranges and pinks, always like a dying sunset.

She doesn't look at him when he arrives, simply watching the clouds shift. When she finally does turn to him, she gives him a friendly smile. He holds up her letter against the glow of the sky. He's not entirely sure why he's brought it, but somehow seeing it makes him chuckle.

It was probably so vastly different from the traditional love letters of the past; it was more of a thank-you letter, but he could read the affection that laced her words—because he felt the same way.

He saved her from herself; she saved him from himself. It was more than a simple camaraderie, more than a simple relationship.

Soma tucks the letter in his pocket, deciding against burning it as she usually does as a reply. He thinks it would be a shame, because it's the only letter that she's sent by traditional means—and it's a relic that he wants to keep.

After a moment of silence and looking at the sky, he holds out his hand to her. She looks surprised, but smiles and gently fits her hand in his. They jump down from the meeting point together in an unspoken confirmation of each others' emotions.

And really, both of them are aware of all the things that could go wrong; they are aware that they are Gods Eaters and the imminent death that they all face, they are aware that in this messed-up world, nothing is absolutely certain, that the future is cloudy at best.

But right now, one thing is clear, and for now, this is enough.

_(And so they smile and put their lives in each other's hands.)_

_._

_._

_._


End file.
